Family (Estate) Feuds

March 15, 2022 No Comments

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Building wealth is only half the job. Protecting wealth for your loved ones and yourself is equally important. Through estate planning, business planning, and asset protection, our firm will help you save everything you love — family, friends, and favorite charities. For more information, be sure to visit our website, where you will have access to our blog, events schedule, and a complimentary newsletter subscription!

Family (Estate) Feuds

It is a sad truth: when a last surviving parent is sick in the hospital or nursing home, the children often fight over control and end-of-life.

Decisions. When that parent dies, fighting can continue over the distribution of the family estate. Will your estate plan keep your children from feuding with each other after you are gone? Forbes estimates that $30 trillion will pass through inheritance during the next three decades, which could leave many families ripped apart by feuds. The problem is that many adults do not save enough for their retirement and expect to fund their retirement with their anticipated inheritance.

A legal challenge to your estate plan can delay the distribution of assets to the beneficiaries. The litigation can also drain the estate through court costs, experts, and legal fees. The case can drag on for years, with the average costing $10,000 to $50,000, or even more.

Every family is different. Something that could trigger a knock-down-drag-out battle in one family will not cause a blip on the radar screen for another. Here are some of the reasons why families fight over the estate when the last parent dies:

Caretaker coercion. When one sibling takes care of an aging parent and then receives the house or a disproportionate share of the inheritance, the other siblings might cry foul and accuse the caretaker sibling of undue influence and coercion. While an adult who has the legal capacity to make a will or trust general has the right to dispose of her estate as she sees fit, this situation can lead to contests when the other children are not informed why the inheritance is not equal.
- Disinheritance. When a person disinherits a natural heir, that heir has nothing to lose by challenging the estate plan. Some people include language in their will or trust that penalizes would-be beneficiaries for contesting the will or trust.
- Sibling rivalry. Sometimes, siblings who never got along well try to settle old scores by squabbling over the deceased parent’s estate. The solution to this scenario will depend on the facts of the situation.
- Advancements or Gifts. If the parent helped a struggling adult child with student loans, a house down-payment, or other big-ticket items while the parent was alive, that child’s siblings might feel cheated. Make it clear in the estate plan whether this assistance was an “advancement” on the future inheritance or a gift. The former is “repaid” out of the inheritance, and the latter is not.
- Unequal financial status of heirs. Sometimes a parent leaves an asset, like a vacation home, to all the children equally. A wealthy beneficiary can afford to hold the investment until it is right to sell it. However, less affluent co-beneficiaries might want to sell the asset right away. The disparity in financial security can lead to disagreements among the siblings.
- Co-trustees or administrators. A parent might try to play fair among adult children by making them co-trustees of the trust or are co-administrators of the estate. Unfortunately, this strategy can backfire if the siblings do not work well together.
Last, do you tell the family of your plans, or not? They should know who is in charge of medical decisions. Some of our clients elect to have a family meeting and share their planning ahead of time. Whether to do so depends on your family dynamics. You do not need to provide detail and include dollar amounts, but a general idea of what assets are in the estate and who will get them can prevent unpleasant surprises.

Contrast the feuding family with the next story of great selflessness and sacrifice:

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Greatest Love Stories

February 14, 2022 No Comments

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Greatest Love Stories

When a new employee comes to work at our office, I tell them that they need to pay careful attention: The greatest love stories in the world walk through our doors.

I ask new employees to read “The Notebook” by Nicholas Sparks. It is quite a tearjerker of a story. It also has a powerful message about the power of love and the wonder of commitment.

I will occasionally share some of these stories in our newsletters, as they deserve telling. I do so with permission from the clients involved. The stories are true, though we may change names at the client’s discretion.

We recently met with Cindy, a local businesswoman. She is a friend, a client, and a single mother to two children, one out of college and the other in her junior year. Cindy’s only sibling is her sister Katharine, who lives in Texas.

Cindy had solid and dependable support, encouragement, and love from her parents, Richard and Judith. They were always there for her, as solid footing to support her through her ups and downs.

Cindy was divorced in 2011 when her children were 17 and 10. During Cindy’s divorce, her parents provided her and her children with constant encouragement, support, and assistance.

Cindy’s parents created a Living Trust estate plan in 2017 to assist with their affairs at death or disability. They named Cindy as a current serving trustee.

Unfortunately, Mom and Dad have experienced ongoing memory problems in the intervening years, becoming more challenging.

Cindy was their primary support system. They wanted to remain in the home where they had lived for over 50 years. Cindy hired help during the day while she worked full-time and spent a few hours with them each day after work and on the weekends. Eventually, circumstances made it impossible for her father, and then almost a year later, her mother, to safely remain at home. Cindy worked diligently and located excellent placements for them in single-family group homes nearby. Unfortunately, after 60+ years of marriage, Richard and Judith were separated due to their different needs and capabilities.

Then COVID hit. Cindy then had to serve as the primary support for her Mom and Dad, whom she could not get in to see or help take care of other than provide phone support and occasional through-the-door visits. She did that faithfully for over a year and a half.

Her children are now mostly grown, although her youngest is still in college. Dad recently died, and she came in to review the trust and actions steps. She continues doing a fantastic, loving job looking after her Mom. She manages Mom’s affairs while juggling multiple other essential responsibilities.

Cindy deserves appreciation and recognition for the care and dedication she has given to her parents and continues to provide for her mother. Hers is a story of great love. She and her family certainly deserve that.

Fundamentals of Probate, Trusts and Estate Administration

January 14, 2022 No Comments

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Fundamentals of Probate, Trusts and Estate Administration

The ultimate goal of estate planning is to preserve relationships among those you care about most by providing sound leadership about who will wind up your affairs and how the assets will be distributed. How much effort this takes depends upon many different factors: estate size, types of property owned, the state of residence, and the number of heirs, to name but a few. Also, keep in mind that These duties are usually carried out, even with the best of planning, by someone who is grieving and dealing with overwhelming emotions, both their own and often those of many other family members.

Probate and Non-Probate Assets

When the person uses a last will and testament, they plan on their estate to pass through probate, a court-supervised process. This process begins with the validation of the will by the court and the court’s approval of the executor nominated in the will. There are court fees, and court appearances are sometimes required.

The executor, or personal representative, is in charge of managing the estate. Some of the tasks include creating an inventory of assets and liabilities, filing the decedent’s last tax return, obtaining an EIN for the estate, filing the estate tax return, paying creditors, distributing assets, securing the home, and notifying heirs of the decedent’s death.

During probate, the will becomes part of the public record. Anyone, from disgruntled relatives to creditors and thieves, may view the will’s contents and inventory.

Probate is often confused with estate administration. Even if most or all assets have been taken out of the estate to avoid probate, there are still some administrative tasks, including filing the decedent’s last tax returns for state and federal taxes and, if necessary, filing an estate tax return.

Depending upon the jurisdiction and the complexity of the estate, probate may take a few months or several years.

What is Trust Administration?

Many people chose to place their assets in trusts to avoid having their estate pass through probate and exposure to the public record. Trust administration refers to the actions taken by the trustee: the person appointed in the trust to be in charge of managing assets. If the trust was created to distribute assets after death, the trustee follows instructions for property distribution to beneficiaries. Trust administration responsibilities vary greatly. One trust might instruct the trustee to make sure beneficiaries reach certain milestones before receiving all or part of their inheritance. Another trust may direct a percentage of the legacy to be released at certain ages. Still, other trusts continue to administer the estate for multiple generations.

Trusts are preferred by many because of privacy. Information about assets is solely between the trustee and the beneficiary. No information appears in the public record, and the court is not involved. The use of trusts may minimize the likelihood of lawsuits brought by heirs and creditors.

Trusts are also used to help if a person becomes disabled and can minimize elder financial abuse since the only person who can access the trust is the trustee.

Some Assets Pass Through Beneficiary Designations

Even without a trust, many assets do not pass through probate. Accounts with beneficiary designations, including pensions, retirement accounts, insurance policies, and financial accounts with TOD ownership, (Transfer on Death), joint bank accounts, and any account bearing a beneficiary designation are transferred directly to the beneficiary, after proof of death and identity has been accepted by the financial institution.

Whether passed through probate, trusts, or beneficiary designations, a well-organized estate plan and communications between the appropriate family members will make distributing assets post-mortem a more straightforward process.

Is this a Do It Yourself Project?

There are many alternatives to putting an estate plan in place. We are often needed to clean up situations where a well-meaning person has committed severe blunders in planning themselves. The best thing about doing it yourself is that you will never know if it worked or not. Unfortunately, guidance and experience are essential in the drafting and implementation of your plan.

Don’t let the lasting legacy of your life be tainted by being too penny-wise.

Comings and Goings, Part 2

November 18, 2021 No Comments

Thank You

Let me begin with heartfelt gratitude to all of you who reached out with condolences after my father’s passing last month. As the days and weeks go by, I am coming more to grips with Dad’s passing. Thank you for all the cards, flowers, and notes of support. Margie and I are truly grateful.

Welcome to Stephen Wallace

This newsletter is called “Comings and Goings” once again, both in honor of my father’s long-time newsletter with that name and recognizing a new attorney joining my practice. I am happy to announce that Stephen Wallace has joined the Downs Law Firm as an Estate Planning Attorney. I have known Stephen and his family since he and his wife Meta made their first plan with me almost ten years ago. Stephen has been an attorney since 2010 and spent the last seven years leading a local nonprofit, as he explains below. Stephen is learning our process and is looking forward to assisting clients in January. Please call our office at 301-776-7900 to schedule a free consultation. Welcome aboard, Stephen!

Live with the end in mind.

I am proud and grateful to be joining Tom, our team, and the many friends who trust us to protect their legacies. When I first approached Tom to ask him what the practice of estate planning was like, he mentioned the long relationships of trust that we can build with our clients. The second was that he helped people to live with the end in mind. I knew then that was the kind of work, and the kind of firm, that would be an excellent fit for me.

My wife, Meta, and I have been married for fifteen years and have lived in the Historic District of Laurel since 2010. We have five (mostly) wonderful children: Laura (12), Joseph (9), Francis (7 and trouble), Sally (4), and Tim (5 months). Meta and the kids are excited that our Main Street office shares an alley with our house on Prince George Street and that Dad can come home for lunch or order delivery from the “Wallace Deli.” Our family worships at St. Mary of the Mills in Laurel and is involved with CYO soccer, basketball, AHG, the men’s and women’s groups, the Knights of Columbus, and probably a few things I can’t remember.

Meta and I met at Franciscan University of Steubenville and were married before I started at Notre Dame Law School. We moved to Ohio, where I clerked for Chief Judge Alice Batchelder on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit, who was and is a wise mentor in the law. We moved to Laurel when I joined Drinker Biddle & Reath’s commercial litigation practice in Washington, D.C., where we have found a welcoming community that we could call our own.

For the past seven years I served as Executive Director of Gabriel Network, a nonprofit that provides church-based support and free housing to women experiencing crisis pregnancies in Maryland and D.C. Through the generosity of many good people we grew that ministry to serve twice as many families each year and to open a third maternity home in 2020. Leading the Gabriel Network Team was one of the proudest periods of my life, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to help thousands of families find the support they need to thrive.

I am excited to embark on this new challenge, get to know each of you, and help you live with the end in mind. I hope to earn your trust in the years to come, as Tom has, and to provide excellent, efficient, and effective estate planning for you and your families.

P.S. My family recently took a two-week, 3000 mile RV adventure through many National Parks, so I’ve included a few pictures to help you get to know us. Enjoy!

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Building wealth is only half the job. Protecting wealth for your loved ones and yourself is equally important. Our firm will help you protect everything you love — family, friends, and favorite charities through estate planning, business planning, and asset protection. For more information, be sure to visit our website, where you will have access to our blog, events schedule, and a complimentary newsletter subscription!

Comings and Goings

October 14, 2021 No Comments

For many years my father has had a monthly newsletter which is entitled comings and going’s. Seem especially appropriate this month’s version of our newsletter should be so captioned.

My father, John F. Downs Jr., just passed away. Days ago, we found out that your patriarch and a tower of strength has leukemia and only days to live. He was home and receiving hospice care and loving care from my sisters Eileen, an RN, and Teresa, as well as nephew Zach and a host of siblings and family members, with many now on the way here for a final visit.

Dad has always been a rock in the family and someone to lean on. He served as a community planner in his working career, eventually heading to Maryland National Capital Park and Planning Commission for many years. I have many clients who worked for my father during those years, who have consistently sung high praise of his leadership and stewardship of the commission. One man told me that people didn’t leave during those years, partly because my father’s leadership made it a great place to work. He has lovingly supported and worked with my Mother, Dee Downs, through 68 years of marriage. The first date was going to the opening of the University of Maryland Byrd Stadium. They were together when Maryland won the National Championship (in Football). They raised eight children, either here or attempting to get here to be by his side.

We work in the death and dying business and have supported thousands of families going through such tragedy. Now it’s difficult to practice what I preach: our mission is to guide families through a graceful transition during the most challenging circumstances. Perhaps the highest praise I can sing for my parents is the high degree of cooperation I now see with my siblings at this difficult hour.

Comings and Goings will never be the same for me. Dad will be greatly missed and lovingly remembered.

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Estate Planning for Young Adults

September 14, 2021 No Comments

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Building wealth is only half the job. Protecting wealth for your loved ones and yourself is equally important. Through estate planning, business planning, and asset protection, our firm will help you protect everything you love — family, friends, and favorite charities. For more information be sure to visit our website where you will have access to our blog, events schedule, and a complimentary newsletter subscription!

Estate Planning for Young Adults

It seems strange to think of your own mortality — especially when you are in the prime of your life. This is probably the reason why 78% of millennials do not have even a simple last will and testament in place. While the old must die and the young may die, most people mistakenly believe that estate planning is just for super-rich folks with gray hair and a lot of assets. Nothing could be further from the truth. Regardless of your age, whether you are a newly-minted adult or a “seasoned” citizen, proper estate planning is essential to protect everyone you love and everything you leave behind at death.

Planning for Important People

If your adult child is single with no children, then the “people” planning component of his estate plan can be very simple. In fact, he is the most important person in his estate plan. For example, has he at least discussed and reduced to writing what his wishes would be in terms of cremation, burial, and any final send-off ceremony? Making difficult decisions today makes them much easier on grieving family members later.

We have good friends whose son as a young college student expressed his interest in being an organ donor. After he suffered a medical condition that tragically took his life, at least he gave his family some guidance, which has saved several other lives. See “All My Tomorrows” by Eric Gregory.

If someone dies without a will the state law for where they live essentially writes one for them giving the assets to next of kin. That may be fine or may give assets to people who were not close to the decedent.

If an adult child is married without children, has she made arrangements to provide for her spouse? Has she legally appointed her spouse to wrap up any final affairs and to inherit everything directly with the least amount of legal “administrivia”?

Does your adult child have a minor child? Whether your son is single or married, has he made proper legal arrangements to nominate a guardian (back-up parent), should his child be orphaned? In most states, a last will and testament is the legal document used to make this important nomination. Your son should be sure to select someone who shares his fundamental beliefs, values, and approach to child-rearing. In the absence of his written legal guidance, this decision will be made by a judge who likely does not know your son or his family. This can be critical if the other biological parent and her family are irresponsible and unfit to rear your grandchild.

Planning for Important Property

If your adult child has specific wishes for the distribution of her assets at death, then she must make proper legal plans for them while alive. Does she have any collections she would want a family member or friend to inherit? In the absence of her written legal instructions, those valuable collections could end up sold online or in a “garage sale,” because no one in the family knew their actual or sentimental value.

For many young adults, “digital assets” may have considerable value. These assets are not physical computers and iPhones, but rather the information stored on such digital devices. For instance, e-mail accounts, websites, software programs, social media accounts, online photos, and Bitcoin accounts are examples of digital assets. The fate of these unique assets varies, depending on where your son lives. However, it is important to address what happens to these assets, if something happens to him, or all access to information could be lost.

Sometimes the actual planning of an “inheritance” itself is important. For example, if your daughter wants to leave an inheritance to someone who is a minor child, is financially immature, or has special needs, then a “trust” should be created to administer, protect and distribute the inheritance. Having a plan that protects life insurance proceeds and other assets and puts the right person in charge of managing the funds is real needed stewartship.

Some Final Thoughts

Nobody wants to think about losing their children, least of all during this exciting time of life. This also may be a good time for you to take a look at your own estate plan. Estate planning does not have to be complex at any stage of life.

Trust Funding Fundamentals

August 8, 2021 No Comments

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Trust Funding Fundamentals

Creating a revocable living trust (RLT) can be an essential foundation of your estate planning. Nevertheless, your RLT is nothing but a stack of paper until it holds title to your assets now or in the future. Either way, this process is commonly known as “funding” an RLT.

An Overview of Transferring Assets to a Trust

Until you fund your RLT, it has no assets to manage should you become incapacitated or distribute upon your passing. If you are married, likely you own some assets individually and some jointly with your spouse. You and your spouse set up either one joint RLT or each of you has your own RLT. Either way, you need to transfer the title, assign ownership rights, or change the beneficiaries of all the assets you want to be held in trust.

If you do not complete these steps, your trustee cannot manage your assets when you become disabled or die. Your assets that are not funded will be subject to probate, and “probate avoidance” is one of the fundamental purposes of estate planning with an RLT. Concerning those assets, you will lose all of the benefits of having an RLT. Your intended beneficiaries might not inherit the assets you intended in the way you intended.

How to Fund Your Trust

The procedure for funding your trust will depend on the type of asset. Some assets need to be titled in the RLT now, while other assets should be transferred to your RLT at death through beneficiary designations.

Assets You Need to Retitle

You should fund your investments accounts, bank accounts, and real estate without delay. For example, you might change the title from “Pat Smith,” “Robin Smith,” or “Pat and Robin Smith” to “Pat and Robin Smith, Trustees, or their successors in trust, under the Smith Family Living Trust, dated June 1, 2020, and any amendments thereto.”

You can transfer these assets into your trust using this method:

Checking and savings accounts
Investment and brokerage accounts that are not IRAs or 401(k) accounts
Stocks or bonds in certificate form
Your home and other real estates

You can change the ownership of these accounts because they already have legal titles.

Changing the Beneficiary

Sometimes you need to re-designate the primary or secondary beneficiary on certain assets to your RLT. For example, on your life insurance, 401(k), 403(b), or IRA, all you need to do is change the beneficiary to the trust. You still directly own the asset until your death. Changing the beneficiary also works for some medical savings accounts (MSAs), health savings accounts (HSAs), and pension benefits.

Certain federal or state laws might restrict your right to change beneficiaries. The specific language that you must use to retitle assets to your trust can also differ from one state to the next. Before designating an RLT as a designated beneficiary of a retirement fund, be sure to seek legal and tax counsel.

Assets Without Legal Titles

Remember to “assign” your ownership rights to assets that may not have legal titles. The kinds of assets in this category may include:

Items of “tangible personal property” (e.g., antiques, artwork, musical instruments, collections, and jewelry)
Money owed to you for personal loans
Copyrights and patents
Royalties
Some mineral, gas, and oil rights
Interests in partnerships and other business ventures

After the assignment, your RLT will own your rights, title, and interests about these assets.

Final Thoughts

Like estate planning itself, the “funding” process is a “process,” not a set-it-and-forget-it event. Consequently, as you buy, sell, and trade assets of whatever nature or kind, be mindful of the need to ensure the proper title and beneficiary “alignment” with your estate plan.

We provide review meetings for our trust clients for several reasons, including taking some time to check your funding. If you are not sure this is completed, call for a review meeting.

Estate Planning Roadmap

July 14, 2021 No Comments

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Building wealth is only half the job. Protecting wealth for your loved ones and yourself is equally important. Through estate planning, business planning, and asset protection, our firm will help you protect everything you love — family, friends, and favorite charities. For more information, be sure to visit our website, where you will have access to our blog, events schedule, and a complimentary newsletter subscription!

Estate Planning Basics Roadmap

You worked hard to build a life for yourself and provide for your loved ones. Along the way, you may have accumulated a few “things” in life, too. For example, there may be the home where you live, the vehicles you drive, and the financial savings and investments that provide for needs such as food, clothing, and shelter. Life is good.

What if something untoward happened to you today? Would everyone you love and everything you have be okay tomorrow? If you can answer that question with a confident “yes,” then congratulations. That means you have taken the time to create an estate plan. If you answered “no” or a not-so-sure “yes,” then where do you start?

As a matter of personal responsibility, only you can create (or keep up to date) an estate plan now to protect your loved ones and your things later in a future world without you. Not only can a well-designed estate plan help you do just that, but it can even make things better for you should you ever become incapacitated.

If you do not have a Testament, then you will die intestate. That means all your assets subject to probate (e.g., assets that do not otherwise pass to a surviving joint owner, by a beneficiary designation arranged to avoid probate, or titled in a trust) would pass to your family members according to state law, not according to your instructions.

How do state intestacy statutes work? While the specific statutory scheme for each state may vary in who inherits what, when, and how much, the inheritance generally flows, based on the “degree” of family relationship. In fact, for those who have only very distant relatives, the state may inherit everything. The legal term for this is escheat. While this is an extreme outcome, such “unintended consequences” of intestacy are not uncommon.

A court cannot enforce alleged verbal promises. It would be best if you created an estate plan to make sure your wishes are followed. For example, what if you are an only child with no children of your own by birth or adoption? Your parents are deceased. You have a long-term relationship but have not married. Depending on the laws of your state, your significant other might receive nothing from your estate if you die intestate. Yes, the state treasurer where you live might inherit all of it instead.

Are you still not convinced? In the absence of an estate plan, the backup parents for any orphaned minor children you leave behind will be selected by a judge who likely does not even know you and your family. The potential consequences of this oversight could impact your family for generations.

Estate Planning: 8 Basic Steps

Most people do want to create an estate plan, but they do not know where to start. Here is a basic roadmap to help:

1. Decide what your needs are. You might want to set up a plan to provide financial support for your children through college. Another person might have poured her energy into building a successful business. She will want the firm managed correctly, were she incapacitated or deceased. A couple might want to avoid estate taxes. Make a list of the things you want to accomplish with your estate planning.

2. Talk with your attorney about the legal documents that will be a good fit for you. For one person, the last will might do the trick. For someone else, only a revocable living trust will afford all of the protections he wants.

3. Gather the full legal names, dates of birth, and locations of the people who will be your beneficiaries. For example, your documents should say something like, “to my son, Will Blake Adams, who lived in New York City, NY and was born on January 1, 2000,” rather than merely “to my son.”

4. Make a list of all your assets, including account numbers and contact information, for your financial advisor or plan administrator. Your attorney needs to know about all your current assets to ensure everything important is included in your estate plan. While identifying your retirement accounts, pensions, military benefits, or insurance policies, do not overlook the details about your debts, like your car loan, mortgage, and student loans.

5. Compile essential legal documents. These documents include car titles, real estate deeds, and insurance policies. You should keep these papers together. This will help you get financially organized now and make the estate planning tasks more manageable when needed.

6. After creating and signing your estate planning documents, make several copies and put them in safe places. Would you please share them with your accountant or financial advisor? When it comes to your professional advisors, estate planning is best approached as a “team” sport with each team member included. You should also provide a copy to the person who will administer your estate plan or tell that person where you keep your legal documents.

NOTE: Do not keep your estate planning documents in a safety deposit box. Why? Your family might need a court order to open the box when needed. If your estate planning documents include information about your funeral and burial, it will be too late when the box finally gets opened. For Maryland clients, we recommend filing the will at your County Register of Wills Office.

7. Talk with the person you designated to administer your estate plan. They can be helped greatly by some basic programs were conduct on being an executor. If you made unequal provisions for people within a group, write a letter or talk to them about why you did so. For example, if you have a child with special needs, you might use a larger share to fund a special needs trust and give a smaller portion to your other child. There should be no surprises one day when you pass.

8. Talk with the decision-makers you appoint in your financial and medical powers of attorney. Make sure they know your wishes, should you become incapacitated.

State laws vary. Powers of Attorney, beneficiary designations, and Health Care Directives are all important parts of the process. These should be tailored to your situation by an experienced estate planning attorney.

Aging Loved Ones – When to Explore Your Options

June 16, 2021 No Comments

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Building wealth is only half the job. Protecting wealth for your loved ones and yourself is equally important. Through estate planning, business planning, and asset protection, our firm will help you protect everything you love — family, friends, and favorite charities. For more information, be sure to visit our website, where you will have access to our blog, events schedule, and a complimentary newsletter subscription!

Aging Loved Ones – Planning with and For Parents

My Mother recently has a health setback and is now in a rehabilitation center. She has been blessed with good health until now and is making good progress with a program that is hard work.

We are all hopeful that she will return to relative independence but are now trying to discern whether the home my folks have lived in since the early ’60s is still a suitable location. These are difficult decisions that I have been involved with for many clients. Now I am committed.

Being involved is quite different than being committed, as shown in the classic example is breakfast. The chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.

Changing living arrangements can mean looking at continuing care communities, assisted living facilities of varying sizes, memory care units, or nursing homes based on need, location, and resources. Nevertheless, the safety and well-being of your aging loved ones are as essential as convenience when evaluating their options.

For those of you who may not be forced to consider your options at this point due to dire health concerns. Here are a few suggestions about how to discuss with aging loved ones about their long-term care planning:

Avoid Procrastination

It is best to plan and prepare for any significant life event well in advance, rather than scrambling and making decisions in a crisis mode. Moving from one’s home, regardless of age, is a “significant” life event! Talk with your aging loved ones before they need to make the transition to long-term care. This will help take much of the emotion and anxiety out of the equation.

It can be stressful enough when you know you need to do something. It is even worse when you do not even know how to get started. In short, it is easy to procrastinate. Once you take the first step and open the dialogue, that worry can go away. The earlier you have the initial conversation, the more time you will have to research long-term care facilities without undue pressure.

Prepare Talking Points

You can do some general research about nearby facilities, using your knowledge of your aging loved ones to guide you. For example, if they are not particularly contrary to your spiritual beliefs, a long-term care center run by a particular faith group might be a good fit. On the other hand, if they love young children, you might want to look for an assisted living center that integrates visits with children from a local daycare into its scheduled activities.

Gather materials from several facilities and ask your aging loved ones whether they have any potential interest in any of them. However, before you invest more than a few hours into the information-gathering stage, ask them whether they already have strong feelings about where they want to live.

Small Steps

You do not need to engage in a marathon session to discuss every aspect of long-term care and reach a final decision. The “elephant” does not need to be consumed in one bite. One of the advantages of initiating a long-term care conversation before a crisis is to talk through and evaluate options at a comfortable pace. Hurried decisions made under pressure often lead to future regrets.

Each of these topics can be a separate conversation with your aging loved ones:

Mention any of their relatives, friends, and acquaintance who have moved into some form of long-term care facility. Ask if they prefer options like in-home assistance, assisted living, a senior living community, or a “continuum of care” arrangement.
You can ask if they have any specific facilities in mind. If they say yes, you can offer to collect more information and arrange a visit to the facilities together.
After visiting several locations, you can offer to brainstorm with your aging loved ones, always leaving the ultimate decision to them.

Respect Their Right to Choose

In the end, my mother or yours do not need someone to dictate where she will live and when she will live there. No matter how well-intentioned, treating someone as helpless and vulnerable may cause resentment and lead them to reject the idea of moving into long-term care before it does reach the crisis stage.

Knowing that a plan has been explored can give you and your aging loved one peace of mind, so proceed at a comfortable pace for all involved. Open communication is a must.

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